Interplanetary Insurance, Inc. (Mystery in Space #16) — Meet Bert Brandon, top agent for Interplanetary Insurance, Inc.!

The Thought Pirate! (Mystery in Space #17) — Bert Brandon is captured by pirates! How can a simple insurance agent defeat these scoundrels?

The Runaway World! (Mystery in Space #18) — Bert Brandon is a pretty clever guy, but can he save an entire planet from destruction?

The Robot Detective of Mars (Mystery in Space #19) — It’s man vs. machine as Bert and a Silicon Sleuth try to solve a murder mystery!

Interplanetary Insomnia, Inc.! (Mystery in Space #20) — Bert has to help a writer with a movie script…by making him go to sleep!

Rocket-Race Jockey! (Mystery in Space #21) — Can Bert Brandon help a rocket racer win, despite her nefarious opponents?

Rescue Through the Fourth Dimension! (Mystery in Space #22) — Time is running out for a kidnapped prince who is relying on a fantastic machine to save him!

The Living Camera! (Mystery in Space #23) — For a change, Bert has to give money to a client, but the guy won’t take it, so absurd measures must be taken.

Duel in the Stars! (Mystery in Space #24) — Bert Brandon tries to prevent a duel from being fought, but ends up involved in two of them himself!

The Explosive Man! (Mystery in Space #25) — Someone is blowing up things insured by III…and that someone is Bert Brandon!

In today’s episode, I.I.I. has insured a guy’s life for ten million credits! But when the policy holder dies, Mr. Emory thinks the deceased isn’t really deceased! Can Bert Brandon prove that this Jexus of Nazaron VII is still alive and save the company from financial ruin?

That’s not the real story and I am so, so sorry.

No, in today’s episode, an explosive man is making trouble for I.I.I. and that explosive man is…Bert Brandon. WHAAAA?

We open with Bert in Mr. Emory’s office. Instead of getting chewed out or getting assigned some crazy mission to make sure someone doesn’t get paid, Emory is sending Bert on an all-expenses-paid trip to Geminius! But first, Bert just needs to listen to this sales talk about time share condominiums.

No, first, Bert needs to get new glasses.

If you think this isn’t going to come up later, then we need to send you back to Silver Age 101.

Bert gets to Geminius and of course, since he’s such a diligent worker, he decides that, instead of taking in a little Geminiusian sand and surf, he’s going to tour various Triple-I-insured locations around the planet.

The first stop is a space cargo company, which has an impeccable record. But as Bert takes a look at one of the cargo ships…

Bert assumes this is just an accident, but the next day he’s visiting a new type of power plant when blammo, the tower it sits on explodes as well!

Having just witnessed two explosions at places insured by I.I.I., Bert decides to calm his nerves a bit with a trip to the Geminius Zoo — which is insured by I.I.I. However, when he tries to enter this only zoo on the entire planet, he is stopped and called names!

Naturally, Bert sneaks into the zoo that night and while nothing explodes, the bars to all the cages break apart and animals go running everywhere. They’re all rounded up without any loss of life that they’re willing to tell us about, but Bert’s not so lucky. He loses his job. Mr. Emory just straight up fires him via Spacegram.

To make matters worse, word has gotten around of Bert’s luck, and a spate of hoodoophobia prevents him from even leaving the planet. Hiding under the name of Bert Braffle, he takes a job at a supermarket just to make ends meet.

and a moment later, the worpleberries explode, revealing “Bert Braffle” to be Bert Brandon, Undercover Hoodoo. But two other things are revealed. First, a piece of a bomb is found in the worfleberry debris. So this wasn’t just a particularly unstable batch of fruit. Second…and make sure you’re ready for this…Bert’s new glasses, having been broken in the explosion, have hollow frames with electronics inside!

Hoodoo? Doodoo! There’s nefariousness afoot, and Bert is going to find it and clear his name. He does a little research and finds out that each place that suffered an explosion — the cargo company, the power plant, the zoo, the basket of worpleberries — all were owned and insured by financier Niles Kronos! And not only do the Geminiusian police suspect Kronos is mixed up in shady deals, Bert recognizes him as the actual doctor who gave him the new glasses back on Earth!

The second part of the puzzle, which really didn’t need any more parts, is when Bert finds the guy on Geminius who made the glasses frames for Kronos. Most police would be pretty satisfied with the fact that they have means, motive, opportunity, multiple witnesses, and so forth, but no, Bert and the cops bust into Kronos’ apartment.

Now they even have the actual bombs, found in the suspect’s own home. Surely this will be enough to arrest this guy, so the next step is to call a press conference.

That night Bert gets a visitor in his hotel room. It’s Kronos, all right, and armed with a gun! He wants to know what evidence Bert has on him. But before Bert can say, “Uh…pretty much everything?”, Kronos decides to spill the beans on himself.

Suddenly the gun explodes in Kronos’ hand! Ha! Bert planted one of the bombs in it! The cops bust in and, armed with a confession of dubious legality, finally arrest this guy.

Emory hires Bert back and give him a bonus — some new, non-booby-trapped spectacles!

And folks, that’s it for Interplanetary Insurance, Incorporated. Ten episodes, ten cases, and ZERO space dollars paid out to anyone!

Strangely, this series not only ended abruptly after ten stories, but also languished in obscurity, forgotten even by Grant Morrison, James Robinson, or Geoff Johns. I can’t imagine why, and I hope that this attention I’ve given to insurance-hero Bert Brandon will encourage someone to bring him back. Maybe he could try and prove Dick Grayson shouldn’t be collecting a check for Bruce Wayne’s life insurance, or maybe Superman wants to insure New Krypton against blowing the hell up. Heck, a bunch of superheroes recently came back from the dead in Blackest Night…I’m sure Bert would like to talk to their next of kin about this change of living status.

Thanks for joining me in clearing the cobwebs away from this surprisingly ignored bit of funnybookery. I’m going to take some time off and then I’ll be back on a new day with a new feature. Until then, I leave you with this:

“The Explosive Man!”
Mystery in Space #25 (April-May 1955)
Writer: Sid Gerson
Penciler: Carmine Infantino
Inker: Carmine Infantino
Editor: Julius Schwartz

Next: Doctor Who: The Eleventh Hour

MY PROMISE TO YOU: You will learn something this episode!

But before that happens, let’s see what’s up with Bert Brandon, ace insurance agent, this week! Bert’s boss, William Emory, has called him into the office to give him his new assignment.

Bert has to go stop this duel from taking place or else I.I.I. will, as usual, be ruined. You would think that getting yourself shot on purpose wouldn’t count for insurance purposes, but hey, this is Boss Emory’s company, not mine.

The source of the duel is, naturally, a woman. Gollol, the actor, and Kawak, the athlete, are both in love with the fair Meleni, and are going to decide who gets to marry her by shooting at each other with — bazookas! That’s the weapon they’ve chosen for this affaire d’honneur!

Bert talks to the two men to try and make them see reason, but they’re settled in their plan. Only then does he decide that maybe the “prize” might have some opinion here.

So they hop in Bert’s space speedster and something happens but I’m not going to tell you about it just yet, because that would give everything away, since I assume you’re smarter than Sid Gerson thought the kids reading this were.

So after hanging out with Meleni a bit, Bert invites her two beaus up to his hotel room to try and talk some sense into them. He reminds them that Meleni has sworn she won’t marry either survivor, and this causes them to call off their duel with each other. Unfortunately…

Bert wanders around the lobby muttering about his fate and whistling, which drives the bystanders nutty. They hate it! Which brings us to the event from the car — Bert tried putting on the radio, and Meleni had a fit. What’s up with the Medusans and their aversion to music, passing exposition guy?

Bert sends off a spacegram requesting a special bazooka and a derby hat. On the morning of the duel, which is taking place in a huge stadium, Bert’s weapon arrives, but it looks a little off to his opponents, who cry foul, claiming it’s not actually a bazooka. The “judge” of the duel, Mr. Crime, is called to settle the issue.

What is the judge talking about? Here’s the part where you learn something! Yes, before the bubble gum, before the anti-tank weapon, before the slang term for women’s breasts, a bazooka was a musical instrument, albeit a sort of pathetic one. It was used to comic effect by radio and film comedian Bob Burns. Did you know that? I bet you didn’t know that.

You can see where this is headed. As soon as the judge counts three, Bert starts blowing into this thing and the Medusans all freak out, including the two guys aiming breasts — er, anti-tank weapons — at him.

Bert is declared the winner of the duel (probably just to get him to stop playing) and the two losers go off to see who Meleni will now choose. Bert tags along to see which one will emerge victorious. To the surprise of everyone except everyone, she chooses…Bert! Oh no!

Now, Bert thought Meleni was a bit of all right earlier, but he’s not ready to be hitched yet, so he figures out how to get out of this as well. He offers to woo her in the Earth fashion, which means, later that night…

Bert quits playing the wacky instrument and the only sounds in the Medusan night are crickets, rustling leaves, and the faint sounds of people in the distance shooting each other with anti-tank weapons.

Next week: The Explosive Man!

“Duel in the Stars!”
Mystery in Space #24 (February-March 1955)
Writer: Sid Gerson
Penciler: Carmine Infantino
Inker: Carmine Infantino
Editor: Julius Schwartz

Next: Remember When Sinead O’Connor Tore Up a Photo of the Pope on SNL?

For today’s episode we’re going to do something a little bit different. Insurance agent Bert Brandon is going to actually try paying off a claim! Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as he’d like!

I’m sure you all heard about the tragic death of M. M. Memmon, the richest man in the galaxy and owner of the planet Belvedere. His untimely demise in an asteroid-spaceship collision means that Triple-I has to pay off a life insurance claim of $100 million to Memmon’s next of kin, a guy named Shmilliam Shmemory.

No, I’m kidding, it actually goes to a dude living on the aforementioned planet Belvedere named Lance Memmon, the deceased’s cousin. Mr. Emory gives Bert a fat check and sends him to Belvedere to deliver it. Bert imagines the “lucky beneficiary” will “jump for joy” since he has only a vague understanding of your primitive Earth emotions. Emory tells him to make sure he gets Memmon’s signature and “retina identification photo” as proof of ID.

(I am quite surprised that Julius Schwartz didn’t step in here to explain that retinas, like fingerprints, are unique to each individual! Nobody in the entire story mentions this fact which, as we’ll see, is kind of critical to the plot.)

So Bert shows up at Memmon’s door, explains who he is and why he’s there, and prepares to hand over the check as soon as some simple formalities are taken care of.

Bert doesn’t understand Lance’s bizarre behavior, so he goes to someone who probably can explain it: the family banker. The banker tells him that some folks hate having their eyes photographed. In fact, the late M. M. Memmon was such a person, and this banker has the only photograph of the elder Memmon’s eyes in existence! Bert gets a copy of the photo because “eye characteristic often run in families, you know!”

While he puzzles over the retina photo, he tries to at least get a signature out of Lance. Although a graduate of the Jimmy Olsen School of Lame Disguises, he has no luck getting Lance Memmon’s John Hancock.

Bert now realizes the only way he’s going to get pix of this dude’s peepers is on the sly, but first he needs to get a camera. Because he doesn’t have one. What was he going to use to photograph Memmon’s eyes with in the first place? Who knows?

So Bert heads over to the store to get a camera, but they have none in stock. In fact, what he finds out is that there are no cameras on the entire planet. What do they have instead to take pictures with?

I assure you, you are not going to believe the answer.

Let me spell this out for you: the people of the planet Belvedere do not need cameras because they have POLAR BEARS THAT TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS THROUGH THEIR THIRD EYE. And, just like a plain old film camera, when you’re not using it, you set it on an iceberg and feed it seals.

Bert borrows Klik the Polaroid Bear for a few days and concocts the greatest plan in the history of ever.

For those just joining us, Bert Brandon is dressed as a motorcycle cop and is hoping to pull a guy over so he can take a picture of the guy’s eyes with his camera-bear in order to give him a check for a hundred million space moneys.

I’m gonna go ahead and declare Sid Gerson the mayor of the Silver Age.

Okay, so back to the story. Naturally, since this plan is essentially the “wear a disguise” plan that failed before — albeit with an added camera-bear element — it fails for exactly the same reason. Lance recognizes Bert and fails to stop.

Bert calls up Emory and tries to explain the situation, but Bizarro-Emory will hear none of it. “YOU AM GOOD INSURANCE AGENT,” he says. “YOU GIVE CLIENT MONEY HE AM RIGHTFULLY OWED!” (Seriously, Emory tells him, “The I.I.I. lives up to its obligations!”)

Bert can no longer get near Memmon because the guy has hired bodyguards, so he tries getting a shot from above in some kind of jet. I guess the bear has a telephoto attachment? That plan fails when Memmon starts shooting a cannon at him. Bert then approaches Memmon’s front door. Wait, what about the bodyguards from two panels before? He waited until they left the house. That’s the kind of protection you can get when you’re the richest guy in the galaxy.

Bert rings the doorbell but Lance won’t answer. However, when Bert looks in through the keyhole…

The camera-bear snaps the picture and they high-tail it out with Memmon and his bodyguards (who I guess came back from their lunch break) in hot pursuit! Bert attempts an escape in his space yacht, but it’s no use. Lance easily overtakes and boards his ship.

Not only does Memmon force the bear’s eye open (making a “POP!” sound), he then tells Bert that he’s pressing criminal charges against the insurance agent! It seems that Belvedere has very strict laws against both harassment and shenanigans and Memmon intends to throw the book at Bert.

Memmon hauls Bert (and the bear) into a police station and announces that he wants Bert arrested, to which the cop says, “Yessir!” He also adds, for no apparent reason, “By the way, did you hear the news that the Belvedere Supreme Court has ruled eye-retina photos invalid?” Just before Officer Exposition hails Bert off to the pokey, Bert tells Memmon he can have the check for only a signature now. Lance signs the form, takes the check — and then Bert tells the cop to arrest Memmon for conspiracy to defraud I.I.I.!

See, Memmon had vast land holdings, but was cash poor. So he posed as his cousin, faked his death, and made himself his own heir! And then he refused the money he was trying to get out of this scheme until he could have the laws changed to make it safe for him to take it. And you said these plans never make sense!

Now, how did Bert manage to transfer and develop the camera-bear’s photos? That I can’t answer, unless he picked up a Belvederian Darkroom Llama somewhere along the way.

The story ends with a gag involving the bear having taken photos of Bert dressed as a speed cop and him now being in jail for impersonating a police officer, but I would like to point out two things.

First: Triple-I still doesn’t have to pay out any cash.

Second:

Next week: Duel in the Stars!

“The Living Camera!”
Mystery in Space #23 (December 1954-January 1955)
Writer: Sid Gerson
Penciler: Carmine Infantino
Inker: Carmine Infantino
Editor: Julius Schwartz

Next: You Can’t Spell “StomacH CRamps” Without “HCR”!

Ace insurance agent Bert Brandon is on his way to the distant planet of Xtar! It seems that the prince of Xtar has been kidnapped, and Interplanetary Insurance, Inc. has insured a machine that may be able to rescue the prince for 100 million credits! Bert has to go there and make sure everything works out.

Bert hops an FTL ship to Xtar and learns about the place where he’s headed. The planet has a perpetual dark side that is filled with dangerous plants and animals. Bert is advised to stay on the light side of the planet. He’s only going to be in two rooms the entire time he’s there, but I’m sure we’ve all headed to the bathroom in a strange new location and ended up on the other side of the planet by mistake.

Professor Dzor is the egghead who is inventing the rescue machine, the “Fourth-Dimensional Retriever”. How does this amazing device work?

So, see! The machine will reach through the fourth dimension, grab the prince, and deposit him in this little cubicle. What could be simpler? Only there’s one problem: it sort of hasn’t been completely invented yet. The Professor still needs some time to get it working.

Bert lets the guy get to work, and soon the Professor announces it’s ready for a test. A push of a button and they hear something thumping in the cabinet. At Dzor’s urging, Bert opens the door to the cabinet, but it’s not the prince who is inside…it’s a mass of writhing tendrils! A dangerous tentacle plant from the dark side of Xtar!

Thankfully Bert lets fly a tremendous sneeze which kills the plant dead!

No sooner is that threat dispatched, though, when someone fires a rocket into the room. It explodes into fiery letters threatening Professor Dzor with death if he doesn’t destroy his machine. Bert decides to stand guard outside the only door to the lab (there are no windows either, which might make one wonder how the rocket got in, but not anyone in the story) while the Professor fine tunes the device.

With an hour left to go, Bert hears cries for help coming from inside the lab. He busts down the door to find the interior totally dark.

The vicious night beast lunges towards Bert, who doesn’t have any weapons available. It looks like he’s a goner until he thinks to…turn on the lights. Blinded, the creature falls helpless to the floor and is easily captured by the guards who appear.

The king also shows up, as the deadline is growing close. Not only is the machine not ready, the Professor is now missing. In five minutes, the I.I.I. will have to pay his majesty a hundred million cosmic rupees! But it suddenly dawns on Bert where the Professor is…as well as the kidnapped prince!

Bert goes to the cabinet of the machine and reveals a hidden trap door containing the two Xtarians (plus one). As the guards haul Dzor and his partner away, Bert explains the plan.

Aaaaand of course, this plan doesn’t make any sense.

Bert reminds the king that, in a way, the prince came out of the machine, so the king is happy to pay I.I.I. its rans…dividend. Bert also asks for the machine — maybe he can make it work! Because apparently the machine was phony by being juuuust shy of working, not by being a complete fraud.

But hey, it turns out Bert’s handy with a hydrospanner!

Fortunately for Triple-I, Bert’s contract stipulates that all life-changing inventions he develops are the sole property of Interplanetary Insurance, Inc., a division of Halliburton XP.

Next week: The Living Camera!

“Rescue Through the Fourth Dimension!”
Mystery in Space #22 (October-November 1954)
Writer: Sid Gerson
Penciler: Carmine Infantino
Inker: Carmine Infantino
Editor: Julius Schwartz

Next: Dave Finally Watches: Up, Star Trek, The Hurt Locker

Man, could this episode be any better timed?

Yes, Bert’s got another pet! And where are they headed? Out to the spaceport to meet K. Carr, a space jockey who Triple-I has insured will weigh exactly 100 pounds in the big Earth-Pluto Round Trip race. See, K.’s ship flies optimally only when its pilot weighs 100 pounds.

In space.

*cough*

Sooooo anyway, they head out to the spaceport and get a big surprise — K. Carr is neither a man nor a Plymouth Reliant, she’s a woman!

They head off to Venus, and on the way Kay tells Bert about the upcoming race. The winning ship will be bought by the Solar Space-Trips Company, so there’s a lot at stake! She also tells him about her dangerous rival in the race, the Martian Vol Kos, “who’ll do anything to win!” Just then Oscar informs the two that there’s something wrong with the ship’s radar aerial, which means they’ll miss Saturday Night Chiller Theater on channel 26! Kay suits up and heads out of the ship to fix the problem, when suddenly…

(That’s some nice work there, Infantino!)

After Kay returns, exhausted from pulling her massive bulk through the weightless, frictionless void of space, Bert admits it was him who pushed her off the ship. Why? It turns out the exertion required to haul herself back in burned ten pounds worth of ugly flab! They know this because there’s a “correct weight scale” on the spacecraft!

What are you laughing at?

So Bert pushes her off two more times, the end. Not really. Anyhow, they make it to Venus only to find that Sebulba…er, Vol Kos…snagged the electronic compass intended for Kay! And the “Venusian Electronic Compass Co.” has no other compasses in stock. They can’t wait around for another one to come off the apparently very slow assembly line, so instead they just grab the parts and say they’ll build it themselves on the way to Jupiter.

To Jupiter? Yep, Kay has to pick up some specially-processed steel there. And who else is there? None other than Vol Kos himself! He claims he was just teasing Kay by robbing her of the compass, and in order to make nice, he offers her his load of steel to keep her from having to wait for hers. But as they’re flying back to Earth…

(Oh by the way, Bert weighs Kay on Jupiter and she tips the scales at 304 pounds, but relax, that’s only 115 Earth pounds.)

Vol Kos has burned these guys twice now, so they’d have to be idiots to trust him again. I mean seriously, what kind of absolute moron would…

To make matters worse, Kay’s ship has been torn apart by a — I don’t know…spaceship tearer-upper? — based on orders forged by Vol Kos. Kay feels weak in the knees and Oscar offers her a refreshing drink. Thirty seconds later the Martian’s pill takes effect and Kay starts zipping around faster than the eye can follow!

But Kos’ plan backfires! Kay proceeds to use this burst of energy to repair her spaceship in only an hour! And although she is exhausted afterwards, her efforts have also dropped her weight down to 100 pounds! On the dot! If she can just stay awake, she can race!

The race begins and Vol Kos takes an early lead. Kay is close behind, but can’t seem to close the gap. As they near the finish line, though, Kay’s ship suddenly leaps ahead, winning the race!

Once Kos lands, Bert changes the taste of defeat to the taste of fist, cracking him one across the jaw in return for all the “tricks” he pulled. Then, having satisfied his thirst for violence, he heads over to congratulate Kay, who is asleep in her cockpit!

This makes the Solar Space-Trips guy even more excited, because he’s buying a fast ship that’s fully automatic! Bert, Kay, and Oscar head out to celebrate the fact that Kay’s cheating robo-pilot won the day! Vol Kos, a bitter sore loser, starts up a political commentary blog, and now you know…the rest of the story.

Next week: Rescue Through the Fourth Dimension!

“Rocket-Race Jockey!”
Mystery in Space #21 (August-September 1954)
Writer: Sid Gerson
Penciler: Carmine Infantino
Inker: Sy Barry
Editor: Julius Schwartz

Next: If This d6 Offers to Pick a Movie For You

Bert Brandon is on Venus! There’s a motion picture studio there — Venus Pictures — that had their next movie production insured for two million credits. And wouldn’t you know it, the scoundrels are trying to collect! Bert’s there to put an end to this nonsense.

So VeePee is in a bind because apparently they’ve hired actors, camera workers, carpenters, catering, and so forth but don’t have an actual script yet, because the only writer on the planet can’t sleep. You see, some Venusians can only use their imagination when they sleep. If Hehu can’t sleep, he can’t come up with a movie idea. So all Bert has to do is send the guy to dreamtown.

He starts off with the obvious, shutting the writer up in a comfy bedroom and enforcing silence in the hallway, but it’s no good. It’s too quiet! So Bert goes to the next logical step.

He has an unused studio set up with a catwalk and a nice slumber chair. Hehu climbs in and then…

No good. Hehu is still wide awake.

Bert’s next plan is to take Hehu out to the asteroid belt. Setting down on one of the rocks, he hands the writer a pickaxe and tells him to start digging! After all, “maybe there are diamonds in this soil!” For some reason Hehu agrees to this and starts chopping away at the dirt, but to no effect. Fifteen hours later he’s not tired and he’s got no diamonds. But he does find a monster!

Two monsters, actually — the one chasing him and Bert, who makes him run in circles away from it. Eventually he lets Hehu back on the ship and takes off, but the Venusian still can’t get to sleep. Physical exertion doesn’t tire him, he says, which would this have been something helpful to know before. And, after a fruitless attempt at hypnosis with a mirrored ball, he finally decides to reveal some more critical information.

After a quick trip to the library…

…Bert has just the stumper that will cradle Hehu in the Sandman’s arms. Are you ready? It’s a tricky one!

Okay, let’s say a force is moving through space, and nothing can stop it. It is, for all intents and purposes, an irresistible force, got it? And then there’s this object that just plain can’t be budged. You might call it immovable. Now, here’s the sticky part. What hap– oh, you’ve heard this before?

Well, Hehu hasn’t, and he comes up with an answer straight away, something about the motion translating to vertical motion. But then he thinks again…maybe the one object would pass through the other! Or maybe…

Hehu snoozes for hours and when he wakes up he can’t wait to get to a typewriter. He came up with a hum-dinger of a story while in Slumberland, and Bert rushes it over to the studio.

Hehu’s solution to the problem is that the energy from the irresistible force is completely transferred to the immovable object, causing them to switch roles! And there’s no Silver Age science that can prove him wrong!

Next week: Rocket-Race Jockey!

“Interplanetary Insomnia, Inc.!”
Mystery in Space #20 (June-July 1954)
Writer: Sid Gerson
Penciler: Carmine Infantino
Inker: Sy Barry
Editor: Julius Schwartz

Next: Eck Snoogla Auf

As we’ve seen, Interplanetary Insurance, Incorporated has no problem whatsoever with taking money from people for insurance policies they don’t need. So when wealthy mine owner James Carr comes into Bert Brandon’s office wanting a million-credit insurance policy, Brandon couldn’t be happier to give him one! Why? Because Carr wants to be insured against drowning in the waters of Mars Canal #5 even though a medical condition prevents him from making the space trip to Mars in the first place!

If you’re wondering why Carr is concerned about drowning in Martian canal water in the first place, it’s because “a voice at night” has been warning him that he will perish in exactly this way. I don’t really know what effect the insurance policy is supposed to have against this but hey, I’m not a space millionaire either.

Bert double checks Carr’s health with a “dotor” of his own and confirms that nope, there’s no way Carr could make it to Mars. So the policy is written, III pockets the cost, and everyone goes about their business.

Oh, and then James Carr drowns.

Mr. Emory, Brandon’s boss, is furious. How could Bert be so foolish as to issue a policy that paid off? Naturally, Bert has to go to the scene of the death and find a way to keep Triple-I from forking over a penny of its hard-earned cash.

Turns out Carr drowned in a swimming pool belonging to one Dzan Gole. Gole is a Martian and guess what kind of water he fills his pool with. Yep, Martian canal water. The number five canal, to be precise.

Bert seems to have jumped the gun here by claiming there was a murder. He has no evidence of any foul play yet, but he’s hoping there is some, because then III’s purse stays closed as tightly as Wendy Carr’s lips. (Spoiler: Wendy is not responsible. In fact, Wendy doesn’t say a single word throughout the story. You can also see how broken up she is over the death of her father.)

Bert sends some pool water to be analyzed — to see if it’s, I dunno, extra-drowny or something? Dzan Gole can see that this guy is way out of his league, so he claps his hands to summon the best Martian investigator in the universe. Who I suppose was sitting in a closet somewhere nearby waiting to be summoned.

The robot’s name is “Queue” and Bert has zero confidence in this shiny shamus. Within moments, Queue scans the scene of the crime with his electronic eyes, making out previously unseen shoe-prints. Bert asks what the point is and Queue states that they shoe prints are a size nine-and-a-half…larger than the victim’s size! So there were two people present when Carr died and that means…MURDER.

Armed with evidence that a crime actually happened, Bert and Queue set out to find the perpetrator.

They follow the not-at-all-obvious wire to Harry Torn’s room. The size nine-and-a-half shoe-wearing Harry Torn! As Wendy Carr’s fiance, he stands to benefit from her father’s death. It all makes perfect sense!

They head back to the pool and confront Torn, who denies his guilt as Wendy looks on blankly silent. But then something unexpected happens! Eliot Parnell, Carr’s assistant, flees in a space cruiser! “Only the guilty flee,” says Queue! He and Bert pursue Parnell in Bert’s “III Space Yacht”.

They catch Parnell and tow him back to Earth where he explains that he wasn’t fleeing, he had to get to Mars so that his and Carr’s company wouldn’t lose all their mines there.

They go back to Dzan Gole’s estate and Bert agrees to keep the news of Carr’s death secret until the case is solved. This shouldn’t be a problem, since no reporters or police have been called in yet.

Still, Queue announces that he’s got the case solved! The murder is…well, let’s all get a good night’s sleep first. The robot claims he’ll say who the murderer is tomorrow, once he has the final proof.

The assailant escapes, but Bert detects a body on the floor. Turning on the light, he discovers the dismembered body of Queue! Man, Bert must have been hitting the sauce hard before bedtime not to hear all this!

Bert finds a handy lead shield and begins re-assembling the Magnussed P.I. Afterwards, having enough of this mess, Bert calls everyone into the living room to put this case to bed once and for all.

They all show up in suits and ties but Harry Torn is wearing something extra — a brand new shiner on his eye. He claims he fell out of bed when he heard the commotion coming from Bert’s room. Queue declares this “an illogical alibi” and pronounces Torn the murderer. He doesn’t reveal what additional piece of evidence he planned to gather up, since it seems to be based on what they found at Carr’s apartment.

But Bert has a bombshell of his own. Torn is innocent, because the exposure to Queue’s radium power plant would have killed him! Queue cannot argue with this logic, nor the logical end result of who this must mean the murderer is.

See, Dzan Gole wanted Carr dead because, as a Martian, he would have been able to take control of the Martian mines! So he came up with this plan to make Carr afraid of drowning in Martian water so that he’s take out an insurance policy…wait, let me back up. He wired up Carr’s bed but made it look like Torn did it. And he planted Torn’s footsteps but they weren’t visible except with the Martian robot who fingered the wrong guy but…okay, I think we can safely say the plan makes no sense whatsoever.

At any rate, Queue and Bert head back to Earth where Mr. Emory is delighted that once again, Interplanetary Insurance, Inc., has been spared the tragedy of paying off a claim. The boss offers to treat them to the best meal in town and when Bert reveals that Queue only eats expensive radioactive radium Mr. Emory has the robot disassembled and makes a tidy profit on the parts.

Next week: Interplanetary Insomnia, Inc.!

“The Robot Detective of Mars”
Mystery in Space #19 (April-May 1954)
Writer: Sid Gerson
Penciler: Carmine Infantino
Inker: Sy Barry
Editor: Julius Schwartz

Next: Stop the Presses!