It’s a Great Time to be Rich in America!

If you’re lucky enough to be super wealthy in America, this is your time to shine! Here are some of the opportunities available to you:

Wreck a State’s Entire Economy So You Can Make a Few More Bucks!

The tax cuts delivered lopsided benefits to the wealthy. Kansas’ tax cuts didn’t benefit everyone. Most of the benefits went to high-income households. Kansas even raised taxes for low-income families to offset a portion of the revenue loss; otherwise the cuts to schools and other services would have been greater still.

Rape Your Three-Year-Old Daughter and Avoid Prison!

Richards, who is unemployed, lives off a trust fund in his 5,800-square-foot mansion in Greenville, Delaware, and has another estate in the exclusive North Shores neighborhood near Rehoboth beach. His great-grandfather, Irenee Dupont, was the patriarch of the super-rich DuPont family and president of the DuPont chemical company.

Judge Jan Jurden, while originally sentencing him to 8 years in prison, commuted his sentence to probation and treatment, on the grounds that because he was a rich white man convicted of child molestation, he would be a target in prison and the system would not be able to protect him. In her words, “Defendant will not fare well in Level 5 setting.”

Shovel Truckloads of Money Into a Politician’s Pocket!

The justices said in a 5-4 vote Wednesday that Americans have a right to give the legal maximum to candidates for Congress and president, as well as to parties and PACs, without worrying that they will violate the law when they bump up against a limit on all contributions, set at $123,200 for 2013 and 2014. That includes a separate $48,600 cap on contributions to candidates.

Remember not too long ago when assholes like Tom Perkins were whining that we were taking our wealthy overlords for granted and not showering them with the praise and adulation they are owed? Finally the pendulum has swung back and these titans of Capitalism are able to once again walk proudly like gilded collosi. No more will patriotic Americans have to hold their heads down, ashamed at the shoddy treatment we give to our corporate heroes. An who knows, maybe somewhere out there is a little kid from a dirt-poor family who reads one of these stories (or more likely has one read to him) and thinks, “That’s going to be me! Whatever it takes, I swear that some day it’s going to be me raping my toddler daughter and getting away with it because I’m far too wealthy to be inconvenienced by prison!” Oh little kid, you’re adorable, but that guy had already become wealthy the day he was born because he simply inherited it!

There are still benefits to being poor, however. Heck, corporate giant Wal-Mart depends on it for their workforce! Government assistance is how they can pay their workers as little as possible and still have them not collapse from hunger or run out of steam during shift #3. And I think we can all agree that austerity programs for loyal and responsible poor people are an important sacrifice to be made for everyone’s benefit, especially the important and productive rich.

America, I’ve never been more proud of you!

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