How to Get Your Dog to Swallow a Submarine

A couple years ago some of the Bureau Chiefs did a project called The Content Farm, which presented funny (to us) “how-to”guides on things. It didn’t last that long, but I wrote three articles over there:

How to Climb a Mountain

How to Housebreak Your Dog

How to Grow a Moustache

The other day I came across another one I wrote and submitted, but never made it to the site. Rather than let what is undoubtedly comedy platinum go to waste, I’m posting it here.

How to Get Your Dog to Swallow a Submarine

If you own a dog, chances are sooner or later you will need it to swallow a submarine. Whether it’s a small sport submarine or a huge nuclear sub, getting your pet to ingest it can be a difficult and traumatic experience for both of you. This is because submarines are usually larger than dogs, except of course for Marmaduke who is, no lie, a really big dog.

STEPS

1. Dogs love to eat things, and they love to pee on things, but they don’t generally eat the things they pee on. Do not let your dog pee on the submarine.

2. If your dog eats moist food, simply mix the submarine into its food. Chances are he’ll gobble it down without hesitation, especially if you don’t feed him for several days beforehand.

3. Dogs are nuts about peanut butter. In fact, they are peanuts about it! Ha ha. Slather the submarine with peanut butter and the dog will see it as a special treat. If your dog has a peanut allergy, try replacing the peanut butter with spaghetti sauce or a lovely kalamata-artichoke hummus.

4. Some dogs get off on sneakily eating people food. Pretend to eat the submarine yourself and tease the dog about how delicious it is. Then, either pretend to drop it on the floor or leave it unattended. The dog, realizing its opportunity to strike back against its hated human oppressor (you) will quickly devour the submarine in an attempt to quell the rage within it that daily strains against centuries of domestication.

5. Sometimes drastic measures are required. Hold the dog firmly and pinch its nose shut to get it to open its mouth. Put the submarine in quickly, then hold the dog’s mouth shut until it has to swallow. This may be take a while, so bring a book. Rub the dog’s throat to make sure it swallows the submarine completely. None of this hurts the dog and in fact you often see dogs doing this to each other in the wild.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

* Make sure there is no one on board the submarine before you begin. Under no circumstances should you allow your dog to swallow seamen.

* If the submarine carries nuclear weapons, check with your veterinarian before giving it to your dog. Some dogs react poorly to eating radioactive materials.

* Do not attempt to pilot the submarine into the dog’s mouth. Not only will he inevitably turn his head away at the last minute, but you probably don’t know how to pilot a submarine and may damage your furniture.

* Oh hey, in step 5, eventually release the dog’s nose.

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