Reasons to Vote for Bush

It’s been a while since I did a political entry, so I thought I’d do one to offset all the comics-related entries and try and maintain my reputation as a serious artist.

As a liberal, I personally feel that the only reason needed to vote against George Bush in the 2004 election is that, with luck, you’ll get someone other than George Bush. Nearly anyone will do. It never occurred to me to think up reasons to vote FOR Bush, because I assumed those planning on doing so aren’t reading this and don’t need to explain their actions in any way that makes sense in the first place. But it has occurred to me that there are some people who clearly should vote for the big guy, and yet may not know it. For them, I provide this handy list.

REASONS TO VOTE FOR GEORGE W. BUSH IN 2004

1) You are Osama bin Ladin. If this applies to you, by all means do whatever you can to keep Dubya in power. His administration has demonstrated its pro-flying-airplanes-into-buildings agenda by not coming after you like a pit bull. Indeed, Bush hasn’t even uttered your name in months. His alleged war on terror seems to have declared you immune from the fighting. You couldn’t ask for a better friend.

2) You are a member of the Saudi Royal Family. No need to feel uncomfortable about how much your country helped out al-Qaeda and how many (15) of the 19 hijackers came from your neck of the woods. Your buddy, George, is more than happy to not mention it and cover everything up for you. By all means you should keep this guy in power, since he is unable to track fifteen sets of footprints to your front door.

3) You are Ken Lay. Remember Ken? The guy who raped his shareholders, employees, and the state of California? He ran a company called Enron that you might have heard of until September 11, 2001. The people destroyed by him and his empire would love to see his head on a pike, but he’s a friend of George’s. I wouldn’t worry, though, Ken. Even if George loses in 2004 he’ll probably give your a big fat last-minute pardon anyway, like his dad did to all his Iran-Contra friends.

4) You are CEO of, an employee for, or a shareholder in Halliburton. Obviously.

5) You believe that homosexuals are a bigger threat to our nation than anything else. Clearly, in this age of joblessness, rampant crime, government corruption, and media shenanigans, we must immediately stop and ferret out those among us who might be kissing people of the same gender.

6) You firmly believe that someone other than you should be in Iraq getting shot at. Especially if you have a weblog or newspaper column.

7) When you read cyberpunk fiction, you think, “Man, I would LOVE to live in this world!” We’re headed there! Keep voting Republican!

8) You’re the kind of Republican who believes that the US shouldn’t be isolationist, U.N. Resolutions are important, the government should spend more, personal freedom should be curtailed, “hate speech” should be prosecuted, adultery by elected officials is a private matter and shouldn’t be pursued by the public, even people with nothing to hide can demand privacy, drug addicts should be pitied and treated rather than prosecuted, $87 Billion is better spent on other countries than ourselves, and that people shouldn’t have free choice when buying medicine.

9) You’re Al Franken. Conversely, Ann Coulter should be voting Democrat. After all, it’s easier to sell books about how the president sucks than it is to sell them about why he’s great.

10) You’re Saddam Hussein, the Anthrax Mailer, or the guy who leaked Valerie Plame’s job to the press. It’s amazing how much trouble we seem to have finding these criminals.

So there you go. Ten solid reasons to vote for George W. Bush in 2004. If one of those reasons applies to you, go for it.

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