Revisionist Hysteria

In a move that has left many people stunned and irony detectors across the planet sparking and smoking, Bush declared in a recent speech that he was fed up with “Revisionist Historians” who seem to feel that existing, ready-to-use weapons of mass destruction were the primary reason we went to war against Iraq. It seems that a few people out there (“some Democrats”, according to CNN) are not aware that we actually went to war because of $CURRENT_IRAQ_WAR_REASON. Thanks to the Internet, we now live in the best documented era of human history. Sometimes a little too well-documented for some peoples’ tastes. And yet he wants to claim he didn’t say something there’s overwhelming evidence that he said.

This war has ushered in a whole new era of foreign policy. We’ve gone from “Go to war because these people are a threat” to “Go to war because these people may someday be a threat” to “Go to war and we’ll figure out a reason afterwards.” Since we no longer care if the rest of the world likes us or not (in fact, we prefer they be terrified) this is the easiest way to cow them into submission.

The Republicans are similarly outraged at the suggestion that something is fishy about those WMD claims. In a typical Republican strategy, anything they don’t like is “political,” as if to say that anyone questioning the administration is being unfair and doing so solely for personal gain. Congressman Nick Smith of Michigan says: “The implication is–prove to me Mr. President that you knew what you were talking about, that it is somewhat of a critical effort to obtain information to prove wrong. I think you either trust your administration or you don’t.” Yes, Congressman Smith, that’s EXACTLY the implication — in fact, that’s the outright text. Prove that you had the information you said you had. Suddenly we’re just supposed to accept everything the President says? That’s called a dictatorship.

The Republicans, as always, are interested only in the good of the country, not in mere politics. After all, it was in the interest of national security, not mere politics, that we have a six-year inquiry into Bill Clinton’s sex life. It never ceases to amaze me how much the Republicans hate their own tactics when they’re used on Republicans.

But that shouldn’t stop anyone from using their tactics. So I hereby offer, free of charge, this plan for the Democrats to win the next election. Whoever gets the nomination, please consider this approach. Don’t promise stuff about health care, education, the economy, or whatever. Nobody cares about that stuff. Instead, you need to promise the following:

  • A free big-screen TV to every registered voter.
  • No income tax at all.
  • The original Star Wars trilogy will be released on DVD.
  • Every person will be granted the ability to fly.

Now, you’re probably saying, “Legomancer, we can’t possibly deliver any of this!” That’s the beauty of it. After the landslide, as you’re delivering your victory speech, say the following: “I have no idea where these people are getting the idea that I promised such things. This is clearly a bunch of politically motivated revisionist historians who are trying to discredit me for their own selfish purposes. One thing is certain, though, I…was…elected! (hold for applause.)

“But but but Legomancer, that’s lying!” Relax! Unlike a few short years ago, lying is now okay. A recent court case argued that corporations should be allowed to lie, and such lies were protected free speech. TV is flooded with highly produced and convoluted “reality” shows. And now this: Bush lies about Iraq and then lies about lying about Iraq, saying, essentially, “Those things I said weren’t lies and I didn’t say them anyway.” Nobody seems to care, and those few that do are written off as a bunch of troublemakers. Not that this is his only lie, of course, or even his most recent, just the biggest one. The one that, until this administration, might have been enough to bring a president down. This is the guy who was going to “restore integrity” to the Oval Office. Apparently he’s got a dog or something named “Integrity”.

(Want to try to do something about this?, a political action group, has a petition to get Congress to actually, like, investigate if we were lied to or not. Show your supposed representatives that you really do care about this.)

Thanks to John Middeljans for providing the Nick Smith quote. He is the proud winner of a hundred of my finest oxen.

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