Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and everywhere I look it’s turkey this and duck that and chicken or goose the other and I have to wonder: America, why is your celebration of whatever the hell thanksgiving is a celebration of incomplete without the death and consumption of some bird? Does another animal have to die for you to be thankful for your given bounty? Shouldn’t a commemoration of survival remain killing-free?
Folks, let’s let the birds and beasts live this year and consider a sensible, ethical, humane alternative: candy.
Not only is an all-candy meal cruelty-free, it’s also wicked easy. Forget those convoluted recipes that you need to start working on hours, if not days, in advance. Say goodbye to Byzantine casserole dishes that dirty forty-seven bowls and pans just to produce one course. In fact, don’t worry about dirty dishes at all. A candy Thanksgiving requires almost no clean-up! Move from preparation to eating to watching TV or napping in a snap! Don’t stand over a stove or sink instead of spending time with your loved ones.
Is your turkey juicy enough? Is the skin just right? Is the stuffing exactly as it should be? These are questions for fools; candy comes already prepared! Someone else has already taken the trouble to make sure the caramel and nougat and gummy is just right so you don’t have to!
As for leftovers — assuming there are any — I defy you to be able to give away any turkey after Saturday. However, everyone’s always down for some candy, and even if they too have intelligently converted to a candy Thanksgiving, there’s such a wide variety of candy available that you may have some they don’t, and vice-versa, so they’ll be happy to help you out if you just somehow can’t eat another jellybean.
Once you try this alternative, you will seriously wonder why anyone in their right mind would opt for anything else. This Thanksgiving, why not serve something all living creatures can be thankful for?
Candy. For a truly thankful Thanksgiving.