Also, He’d Like to Hold Your Hand

When I was a kid, my mom had a subscription to the National Enquirer. This was back when the NE was more into the UFOs and Bigfoot genres than the celebrity gossip genres. I ate it up as a kid. I distinctly remember coming to class on one of those days you’re supposed to talk about an article in the newspaper with a UFO story from the NE.

They also loved them some demons and ghosts, and I’d read those stories too, and they’d scare the bejeezus out of me because I was a pretty wussy kid.

There was one story in particular I remember. It concerned a demon called “the lady”. In the scene I remember the most she comes in through someone’s bedroom window and when they screamed she grabbed their tongue and burned it. You can imagine how much sleep I got after that, especially since there was a drawing of the entity.

Now that I’m older, wiser, and less scaredy-cat, I’m curious about these stories. It seems to me that since everything is collected on the Internet, someone should have an archive of these Enquirer spook stories, but as you can imagine, Googling “the lady” “national enquirer” and “demon” turns up only articles about Whitney Houston.

I remembered another bit of what I thought was the same story, in which the ghost of a little boy approaches a homeowner and asks, “Where do all the lonely people go?” before vanishing. Turns out this phrase CAN be searched for and doesn’t appear to be related to that other story. It’s from The Berini Haunting:

“Where do all the lonely people go? Where do I belong?” These were the words softly uttered to Rose Berini from a little boy dressed in white roaming her upstairs hall. This boy wasn’t one of her two children though asking odd questions, he was not of this world.

Not sure how to parse that last sentence, speaking of things not of this world. Although all of the versions of this story I’ve found seem to be working off the same source material, none say whether the boy at any point offered to take the Berinis down to Strawberry Fields or remarked on how his otherworldly home was some kind of lemon-hued submersible.

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4 Responses to Also, He’d Like to Hold Your Hand

  1. Oh, good times. My fave NE headline I remember as a kid was “Teen Bears Bigfoot Baby”. Admittedly though, those used to scare me on occasion. It didn’t help that one of my aunts genuinely believed that stuff, and an uncle who had absorbed a LOT of hallucinogens in his life used to tell stories as if they were real, and they used to scare the crap out of me.

    What was worse for me though, was I soaked in every In Search of… episode I copuld, and always fearwed a real Sasquatch would show his face in my window in the middle of the night. And when my dad took me to see Chariots of the Gods, I pretty much crapped myself for a week straight at bed time…..

  2. pronoblem says:

    On a related note. “Carnival of Light” might get pressed for release.

  3. Bill says:

    My grandmother used to get NE all the time and there would always be a big stack of them waiting for me whenever I visited her. I loved its 70s incarnation- lots of great ghost and UFO stories.

    I would definitely pay for a book of the NEs best stories from that era.

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