The Geek Phrasebook

A new recurring feature!

Best Show on Television — a term often applied to a show not actually currently ON television, usually because it was cancelled.

Please feel free to contribute your own entries!

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18 Responses to The Geek Phrasebook

  1. Mark Hale says:

    “It’s like _______, but with superheroes!” — I’ve never seen or read anything like _______, and now I won’t have to.

  2. Dorian says:

    “Respectful of the work of the original creator.” — Retelling a story that wasn’t very good in the first place.

    “Kids don’t read comics because they cost too much.” — Mahn-gha? Never heard of it.

    “You just don’t want anything bad to happen to black/female/gay characters.” — Stop reminding me that as a heterosexual white Christian male living in 21st century America, I am a member of the most over-privlieged group of people to have lived since the Egyptian God-Emperors.

    “Today’s fans don’t appreciate the classic characters.” — If it was good enough for Grampa, it’s good enough for me.

  3. Ken Lowery says:

    “The new version of __________ raped/is raping my childhood!” — Applied to updates of old material that are anything but the original digitally restored and touched up with THX.

    “Meh” — ‘Filler’ phrase used to indicate the speaker’s blasé indifference re: a topic, though just as often it indicates their ignorance of said topic. No use of “meh” in recorded history has ever added anything to a conversation.

    “a slap in the face” — Most often used in internet forum debates about online games. Typically, the speaker is referring to a minor alteration of no consequence to anyone with a shred of perspective.

    “nerf” — An alteration of stats in online games. The phrase is used approximately once every .875 posts. (Usage: “The .33 second increase on the broad sword’s draw time nerfs an already beleagured set and is, quite frankly, a slap in the face.”)

    “straw man” — The most oft-cited fallacy in online debate. Has been accurately employed four times since 1982.

    “You just don’t get it” — Used when another party states distaste or dislike for something the user cherishes. The other party will often respond that they get it just fine, thanks, and they still think it sucks.

    “Browncoat” — syn., “insufferable”

  4. Mikester says:

    “Joss Whedon is my master now!” — Wow, Joss likes all the same comic book clichés I do!

    “This is not your typical superhero book!” — It so totally is your typical superhero book.

    “This is not a superhero comic.” — It is so totally a superhero comic.

    “In protest, I am no longer going to read [Marvel/DC/etc.]” — I’m going to continue reading [Marvel/DC/etc.].

    “_______ hates the fans!” — Why did you give Jack of Hearts a new costume? Why? Why?

    “You’re just jealous” — How dare you criticize your betters! We have a class system for a reason, you know.

    “How to fix ________” — A phrase that usually introduces a series of suggestions that no one in his/her right mind would ever, ever follow, and would in fact make things worse, not better.

    “This writer is weird” — This writer isn’t giving me the same old stories and plot points I’ve seen a thousand times already.

    “I’m not a _________, but….” — I’m about to explain EXACTLY why I am, in fact, a _________. (Example: “I’m not a prude, but I think Gypsy’s costume reveals too much ankle.”)

  5. David Campbell says:

    “A Big ‘Fuck You’ to the Fans” — A creative decision by the legal owners of an intellectual property that is seen as disrespectful to people who are not legal owners of an intellectual property. (see: Death of Wash, Church of Dr. Who, Iron Man )

  6. Lisa says:

    Love it! Keep up this fun feature. This one is all too true.

  7. Andrew Weiss says:

    “Now, if X had done it…” (X being a mildly talented creator with a rabid fan following) — The end result would still be terrible, but have a bunch of vociferous loonies rising to defend it.

    “You are biased against Marvel.” — “I have bound my sense of self-worth to a corporation, and now I can’t smell shit even if it’s rubbed in my face.”

  8. pronoblem says:

    “Kill your television” on the geek car bumper when they have not missed a single Buffy, ST:NG or X-Files episode made and can quote them in entirety.

  9. Mrs. Mancer says:

    At the risk of being off topic/on tangent,

    Dorian writes:

    ““You just don’t want anything bad to happen to black/female/gay characters.” — Stop reminding me that as a heterosexual white Christian male living in 21st century America, I am a member of the most over-privlieged group of people to have lived since the Egyptian God-Emperors.”

    Okay, I’m not blaming all the 21st century white American Christian males for this, but did you see the Poseiden Adventure remake? It was totally CAKE to predict who would live and who would die… the only one I got wrong was the gay guy (he actually lived). But that could be a whole nother (as we like to say) thread.

  10. joncormier says:

    “Rape of Childhood” – Used to make an argument against a change to a long established corporate owned character.

    “Whedonesque” – Pertaining to Whedon or vampire hunting geeks.

  11. joncormier says:

    Oh wait, I meant “Used RANDOMLY.”

  12. Nigel says:

    “Diffinitive edition” (see also Director’s Cut et al.)-a retread of an old movie that adds three minutes of new special effects or a cut scene designed to create the impression that it will impart new understanding and secret wisdom and incite to a film that was not that complicated to begin with. The real reason is of course to try to get me to lay down another $19.99 for Blade Runner.

  13. Nice list and I have to concur with Mrs. Mancer here. I’ll add one for now:

    “This game is too random”.

    Chance in card draws and die rolls are inherent to board and card games, so go play Chess or Go, take your control freak elitism elsewhere, take a bath please, and STFU already. Ah, that feels better.

    And I would 2nd the tiring of hearing “you don’t get it”. No, they share a different refernce point and it just doesn’t jive with your egocentric poin t of view.

  14. David Thiel says:

    “Han Shot First” – used to denote that in the original version of “Star Wars” (“A New Hope” is for Luke-come-latelies), Han Solo plugged Greedo the bounty hunter after clear provocation and an imminent threat of death that would be obvious to the eight-year-olds who have been retroactively declared the sole target audience for the later films in the series. Later digitally and unconvincingly altered by George Lucas in an attempt to make the smuggler and soldier-of-fortune not someone who would kill in cold blood even when completely justified. Phrase is a rallying cry for old-school fanboys against alterations which go beyond mere visual enhancement. And yes, he damned well did shoot first.

  15. Crowded House says:

    “S/he obviously hates superheroes!” – “How dare you not slavishly recreate the exact same plot details I’ve read a thousand times before while uttering a harmless, jokey remark about the silliness of the superhero genre that I hold as the golden standard for all literature!” – It goes without saying that the joke is taken out of context.

    “They have no respect for Character X or his history!” – “I honestly believe that my fanfiction is a better representation of a corporate owned character than the version that’s actually being published with the O.K. of the corporation.” – Or, alternately – “I don’t actually know anything about Character X, but everyone else is complaining and I want to too, damn it!”

    “Please sign my petition to bring back Character X from death/limbo Five unnecessary exclamation points!!!!!!” – “If we cry loud enough, maybe we can get our way. It might also help if we soil ourselves.”

    “They hate fun.” – “I don’t know what the word ‘fun’ means, actually.”

  16. Colin says:

    “If I wrote ______, he/she/they would…” usually means how a fan with no great knowledge of a certain comic book character want to make that character more like The Punisher (example: If I wrote Batman, he would use lots of guns.)

  17. Leandro Funes says:

    “I’m a chick magnet”. No, you’re not.

    “I have a girlfirend, you know!”. He has only chatted/played an online game with her, and if she is asked, she will prove that this is false.

    “You’ll never believe what I discovered!”. It probably is an uncoloured image of some character in some animated series, or a repetition or mistake of some sort. Yoy believe it, sure, but you don’t care.

    “I was this close of kicking his ass!”. No, you weren’t.

    “There’s this amazing store around the corner!”. A comic books store.

    “Finally, my collection is complete!”. It will be so for around a week. The company will create a new series to expand the collection further.

    “The Best Hero ever is ______”. Another Nerd will react violently to this.

    “I’m a level 12 paladin”. Yes, you are.

    “I’m getting laid tonight!”. No, you’re not (this will happen when you go to college and your new friends get you drunk. After that, nerdness fades).

    “I’m gonna hang out with the guys today”. Codename for World of Warcraft.

    “Your stupidity amazes me”. That’s the best insult they used to have.

    “__________ is as easy/tiring/fun/etc, as your mom”. Your Mom is the best insult they have now.

    “You are a true friend”. Yes, you may be.

  18. r.d. says:

    “Just because I occasionally post about how [Name]’s latest comic sucks and they’re an appallingly talentless/overrated/racist/misogynistic human being who should have been strangled at birth, that doesn’t make me disturbingly obsessed with them!” – “If [Name] so much as scratches their nose the wrong way, you WILL hear about it from me. At great length.”