Dust Bunnies

There’s a new boardgame coming out called ‘Dust’. It’s set in a world where the Nazis (of course — you know, no one ever extends WWII in favor of Japan) dig up alien technology that ramps up their power and also the available weapons in the war. Early reviews have described it as “Axis and Allies gone Steampunk” (showing a blatant disregard for what “steampunk” actually means and quite frankly between this and Boing Boing I’m really starting to favor discarding the term and genre completely, despite my affection for it) and one of the things in the game is this:

so yeah, I’m kind of interested.

When I read that it was based on a comic, I was all, “Oh! Maybe I should check that out!” Lo, at my shop last week they had both issues of the comic available for purchase, so I picked them up. Last night I read them.

You should never go to bed angry with your brain, but I did. This morning it’s still refusing to talk to me. It hasn’t been this upset with me since I took it to see The Fifth Element.

Dust is one of those comics where you’re pretty sure you’re looking at someone else’s gaming nights. I’m reminded of Christopher Moeller’s Iron Empires books, except that those were competent. The artist, Paolo Parente, is absolutely in love with the technology he’s drawing, and you know that he’s got spiral notebooks filled with stats on what each one of them does. He also enjoys breasts. The plot (written by “Mink”) is completely inane, serving only to showcase the cool weapons and the characters Parente’s rolled up somewhere.

For example, there’s this guy:

Chef is the agent in the Axis’ secret castle who tips the Allies off to its location and plans. How do we know he’s a secret agent working for the Allies? It says so right there in his bio! And also there’s some evidence of this in his splash page:

Hi! Welcome back to 1991!

Thankfully, despite the Allies’ assault on the castle, Chef will get out safe and sound. How? Wellllll…

Yes, the Sexy Nazi Chick makes sure two people get out of the castle with her: the Sexy Russian Chick and THE CHEF. I WANT THE CHEF. You guys can all hang, but make sure the Chef is in my helicopter because I WANT HIM TO COOK SOMETHING FOR ME.

Incidentally, the Professor Priapinski who is to relay these orders to the Chef is already dead. He’s been shot in the head — by the Sexy Nazi Chick who is speaking. That’s okay, though, because one of the things the Nazis can do is bring people back as Zombies. We know this because:

…it’s in their bio! So Frau Großbusen’s orders should be, “Amidst this attack by the Allies, reanimate the guy I just shot so that he can go tell the Chef to get to my helicopter and fix me a turkey pot pie!”

I’m sorry, brain. I’m so…so sorry.

According to the comic’s website, which I’m not going to link, this is the cover to issue 2:

You know how you can tell it’s not the cover on the copy I bought? BECAUSE I BOUGHT IT.

Paolo Parente’s Dust. I can’t tell you if the game is any good. But as for the comic? Don’t do what I did. Be kind to your brain. You may need it some day.

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12 Responses to Dust Bunnies

  1. David Thiel says:

    When will people learn? Pants are intended for enclosing–clothing, if you will–the region of the buttocks.

  2. minifig says:

    That’s some builder’s arse crack action going on in that picture. And if I was her, standing in the snow, I think I’d put my jacket on properly…

  3. Dave says:

    She got captured by the bionic gorillas. She was tied up and her shirt was removed and the Nazi Chick groped her now-exposed breasts. She then dreamed of being in a “Moscow Fashion Photo Shoot” and a talking bionic gorilla of unknown motivation rescued her but was then killed by a zombie with a “steampunk” buzzsaw. The heroic Allied Airborne Ranger, “Joe”, rescued her from the zombie and presumably gave her the jacket. I don’t know what happened with her pants.

    And yes, every single sentence in that paragraph is actual stuff from the comic.

  4. JTTaylor says:

    “Amidst this attack by the Allies, reanimate the guy I just shot so that he can go tell the Chef to get to my helicopter and fix me a turkey pot pie!”

    *cracking up laughing*

    Maybe she should use her billowy scarf to cover her buttocks. “My chest and ass can totally take the snow, but my neck was FREEZING…”

  5. Topher says:

    Speaking of pants…am I the only one who watches Frisky Dingo on Adult Swim?

  6. pronoblem says:

    Judging by the Chef’s weapon of choice he must be making Creme Brulee to go with that Turkey Pot Pie. Classy.

  7. Lanf says:

    The artist clearly draws inspiration from the school of debilitating scoliosis renderings. That poor girl has close to a 90-degree curve in her lower back!

  8. Ken Lowery says:

    “Get the ape ready for space travel immediately!” has to be the sole reason any of this happened. “Mink” just wanted that line published somewhere.

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  11. Isaac says:

    Wait, didn’t The Man in the High Castle take WWII through to Japanese occupation of the US? It’s been so flippin’ long since I’ve read the book, but I remember the I Ching being a large part of that book.

  12. Ryan says:

    “Priapinski”? What, was Professor Bonerstein unavailable? Doktor von Erectenpeen?