Shortly after I posted my love letter to Taco-flavor Doritos, my cousin Trey sent me an instant message with glorious news: they’re back!
Sort of. Introducing Doritos Collisions. This is where they take two different flavors of Doritos, accelerate them to almost the speed of light, and smash them into each other, in order to gain insight into the nature of Doritos. In this process, many new types of Doritos have been created (although most only last for a fraction of a nanosecond.) It appears that the project is led by Professor Missy Elliot of the Supa Dupa Fly Research Institute.
One of the Collisions flavors is Chipotle Ranch, which is forced to share accommodations with…Zesty Taco!!! Holy cats! Trey informed me he had seen these and I knew I had to try them!
A week or so ago I finally saw my first bag of these and I eagerly purchased them for sampling. Although I started out eager, I soon became anxious, because those two terms don’t mean the same thing. Would they be good like original Taco Doritos or foul like the later, Taco Bell Doritos? My experience with Taco Doritos in the past had been nothing but heartbreak and disappointment, and I wasn’t sure my sensitive nature could take another letdown. I steeled my resolve, though, and cracked open the bag.
If you haven’t yet experienced Doritos Collisions, in which two different flavors occupy the same bag, you may wonder how this is accomplished. Is there some sort of partition? Do they have complimentary schedules so that they’re never both home at the same time? Is one of them a slob and the other Tony Randall? Do they start off hating each other but eventually fall in love? Well, the way it works in this case is, the Chipotle Ranch chips are light in color, like Cool Ranch Doritos, but the Zesty Taco chips are dark in color. Dark. Dark like my beloved original Taco chips! They look exactly the same! The same aroma greeted me upon peering into the bag. I couldn’t stand it any more and crammed one into my mouth.
And yes! These are damn close to the flavor I’ve been craving all these years! I knew within my first three chips that I could easily take two days off work, buy a crate of these, take the phone off the hook, and cause friends and family some concern!
Now my mission is to make sure they stick around! Frito Lay is a fickle creature. VH1 could have a whole season of “Where Are They Now?” shows starring various chips and flavors this company has put out. I have called them at 1-800-352-4477 (Monday – Friday, 9:00 AM to 4:30 PM, Central Standard Time) and begged them to promote Zesty Taco to full-bag status, but I wanted to put even more bugs in their ears!
Of course! An online petition! What company can ignore those? Online petitions have a long and storied history of changing the world, by making Marilyn Manson stop torturing puppies on stage, by demanding more kilt-centric Doctor Who episodes, and by getting the 7th Heaven movie greenlit. Surely the same force that has been used to save the chicken fingers platter and prevent theft of Neopoints by ghosts could be used to make Zesty Taco Doritos a standard, protected flavor!
I urge you to go and sign my petition, which I will personally bring to Al Carey, CEO of Frito-Lay, when it reaches one million signatures. Then go out and buy several bags of Doritos Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch Collisions. Be sure to snack on them outside where people can see you enjoying this taste sensation.
Together, you and I can make a difference, snack-wise.
PS: You can help spread the word by putting this on your website, linked to the petition page!