Are you feeling poorly? Not necessarily ill, but not particularly healthy? Are you down in the dumps, or merely lacking in get up and go? Is there something wrong that you can’t quite put your finger on? If it wasn’t for bad luck, would you have no luck at all? Do you find yourself making the same poor decisions over and over, unable to break free from a self-destructive cycle?
If so, you need to pick up a copy of Wisdom Magazine! (I got mine free at the Chinese buffet!)
Let’s have a flip through and see if we can’t figure out what’s causing your trouble, shall we?
page 6: Well here’s something, right away! “We begin the month with a meeting of Venus with Saturn on July 1st, in dramatic Leo. Saturn, the Cosmic Party Pooper, has been dragging through fun-loving Leo for over two years now, weighing down our collective merriment and making us question what we do for a good time.” Furthermore, “On the 8th, Venus makes a harmonious aspect to Pluto, one which is likely to refuel romantic gestures after the letdown of the beginning of the month.” And this is quite telling: “The last major aspect of the month is a square of Mars with Saturn,” which we all know leads to frustration.
Before you knock this Astrologer as a kook, I think you should know that he is certified by the National Council for Geocosmic Research.
page 8: Cie Simurro (a.k.a. Thunderbird Starwoman) talks to us about bees, both as just plain insects and as totem animals. After some fascinating facts about bees, she gives us some knowledge honey we can use: “If you are in a period of bee energy, or you love someone whose totem is a bee, it may be difficult to get beneath the surface at first to all the good that is there.” How do I know if I or my loved one has a bee totem? “People of the bee know when things don’t ‘smell’ right.” In addition, I’m sure someone in one of the ads here will be happy, for a nominal fee, to let you know what your totem animal is. In fact, there’s a note at the end on how you can set up an appointment with Ms. Starwoman for just that.
page 13: Here’s a book that might help you! Shaking Medicine: The Healing Power of Ecstatic Movement by Brandford Keeney, “reintroduces the oldest medicine on earth — the ecstatic shaking of the human body — and shows how shaking can bring forth profound therapeutic effect. The book includes practical exercises in how to shake for both physical and spiritual benefit, as well as a 40-minute CD of ecstatic drumming music to use while shaking.” All that for only $20!
page 15: This magazine is chakra-filled with people who just want to make your life better! Phyllis Light, Ph.D and Telepathic Healer has developed the Rejuvenizer. Oh sure, it looks like simply “a beautiful piece of jewelry” but it can protect you from headaches, eyestrain, fatigue, EMFs (from computers, TVs, microwaves, satellites…), disease, and “other people’s negative energy”. Also it will enhance your intuition and your spiritual awareness. It doesn’t say how much this miracle costs but really, is any price too high when it comes to protecting yourself from other people’s negative energy?
page 18: Say! Do you need a new Wand? Then you’ll def want to hit up “Incantations” cause they have those and many more “magickal” supplies (not to be confused with “magical” which is just plain foolishness and fakery.) Also at their shop you can take a 14-session course to become a “Certified Herbalist”! And you can talk to Intuitive Reader Rev. Mark Greenfield. “Mark uses his intuition, the spirit of the Tarot, the voice of the Mermaids, gentle whispers of the Angels, and the gift of psychometry to deliver a message from the Goddess to you.”
page 23: Oh man you don’t want to miss this! Robbyne is back once again at the Quantum Life Management Center! From the twelfth through the seventeenth she’s gonna doing Sacred Silk Scarf Healings with the Andara Crystal. There will also be an Isis Magic workshop, an Enchanted afternoon with Faeries and Magic, and Love Magic! Boom-chicka-bow-wow! I’m not sure why her “magic” doesn’t have the Vitamin K that other advertisers have, but dude, the Andara Crystal!!
page: 28: Christan Hummel tells us how to access the creative matrix. I don’t want to spoil everything, but it’s got to do with vibrations. He can also, as his ad states, tell you how to create sacred space, if you don’t have enough sacred space around.
page 33: The amazing Linda Georgian has been voted the #1 psychic in the world! According to this ad, she’s the Real “Psychic to the Stars”! Among her stellar clientele is JFK, Jr., who you may recall died in a plane crash. Maybe he knew it was coming, thanks to Linda!
page 36: Here’s an article about the amazing Rhonda Lenair, who can cure alcohol addiction. She can cure you of a need for demon liquor in a mere three sessions and her work has been described as “sacred” by her devoted followers! Why, two of her strongest supporters who will tell you they were might skeptical at first, are now her coordinators in Texas! And the writer of this glowing article is Barry Lenair, who in addition to having the same last name as Rhonda, also coincidentally is the Program Director of the Lenair Healing Center!
page 37: Oh hey, here’s an ad for Thunderbird Starwoman’s business. If you need you some hands-on Kaolaimni Atlantean Healing, you need to give her a call.
Also on this page, Fred Cheyette can help you “set clear intentions for your life at a cellular level.” Maybe your problem is your intentions are set at a bigger level?
page 38: Here’s an article about the importance of imagination. It tells us to enjoy and use the gift of imagination, as that is how we as people truly evolve. Imagination allows us to “‘make up’ what already exists on the etheric plane that holds our destination of enlightenment.” It’s written by Moriah Marston and “The Tibetan”, the gentleman she channels.
page 40: In case you haven’t seen enough ads yet, here begins the Directory of Holistic Services Practitioners and Products. There are not one but TWO ads for people who want to help you out with a colon cleansing!
page 43: I think Rev. Claire Luft has got an angle on what my personal problem is. According to her website, “We are born with just 1-3 strands of DNA activated or available for use.” She has a “sacred” healing process in which “your 22 strands of DNA (11 physical strands, 11 etheric strands) are activated and strengthened, while unwanted debris from the genetic structure is cleared.” You can ask anyone, I’m allatime talking about needing more activated DNA strands. See, what this process does, for the layman, is “bring your Divine Blueprint into physical plane manifestation”. For those with a more scientific background, what she’s saying is that “by utilizing a specific dimension and hertz frequency,” she “enables Source to come through and allow the physical and the Spiritual to take action in the same instant to create a miracle.” She is a certified Divine Intervention Instructor. Also, she’s some kinda hot!
page 47: Both Ross Miller and Rev. August Stahr will clear negative karma away from you. So if you’re feeling bad about all that bad stuff you did, why not go get it taken care of?
page 50: There are two categories of ads here. One is “Psychics” and one is “Psychic Mediums”. Do you know what the difference is? Well, for one thing, all three of the “Psychics” have “For entertainment only” at the bottoms of their ads. None of the four “Psychic Mediums” have it on theirs. So I guess it depends on if you’re wanting fun or serious psychic business.
page 54: We close with some more Astrology, this time in its familiar form of broken down by star signs. This Astrologer makes no claims of National Council for Geocosmic Research certification and I should point out that she doesn’t mention Saturn even once. (Oh hey, that’s not true. She mentions it in Scorpio’s entry.) Still if I’ve learned one thing from this magazine it’s that intuition and imagination often trumps fancy book-learning. She points out your best days for the month and it looks like everyone needs to stay home on the 27th. Nobody’s doing good on that day.
So now you hopefully have an angle on what’s out there bunging up your life. And more importantly, you have hordes of handy holistic healers hoping to help you! As you can see, I barely scratched the surface of what’s packed into this issue of Wisdom Magazine. Sure, all these services are going to take some cash, cause even Telepathic Healers gotta eat, but what’s more important? A few dollars or accessing the creative matrix?
(My spell checker HATED this post.)