Twin Tales of Skittles Bite Sized Candies

TALE THE FIRST

One of my early jobs was working for a seafood company that was owned by Borden. One of the Borden bigwigs came for a visit and brought a whole bunch of Skittles bite sized candies with him. I was working on some kind of spreadsheet project and wanted to finish it up, so instead of eating lunch I had a big bowl of Skittles bite sized candies I was munching on. I just sat there working and eating Skittles bite sized candies, not thinking much about it.

After a couple hours of this, suddenly and without warning the combined power of all those consumed Skittles bite sized candies assaulted my mouth at once. It was not only the most foul, unpleasantly sweet taste going on, but my teeth felt like they were vibrating.

This was in 1987 and I don’t think I’ve eaten Skittles bite sized candies since.

TALE THE SECOND

This is a much better story, but it’s not mine. It comes to us via a pal who will remain anonymous, and who used to work for the clerk of court in a major American city. in the course of his job he came across the transcript of an autopsy in the case of the murder of a large guy by his wife. The Medical Examiner (ME) and his Assistant are removing the subject’s clothes.

ME: Removing subject’s undergarments, there’s a slight discoloration of…[Laughter]

Assistant: What the?

ME: Subject’s underpants are full of [Laughter] Skittles bite sized candies.

[Laughter]

Detective: M and Ms? Why?

ME: No, no. Those are Skittles bite sized candies-see the little S’s on them. [Laughter]

Assistant: Yes, we have to be accurate here. Those are definitely Skittles.

Detective: Theories?

ME: Well I don’t jump to conclusions [Laughter] but no GOOD reason comes to mind.

Assistant: Jesus, there’s more. It must be a whole bag. [Laughter]

ME: We won’t know until we count but I’d say at least a “fun sized” bag-full.

[Laughter]

Detective: I ain’t counting them. [Laughter]

To this day no one knows the origin or purpose of the Skittles. The wife never revealed any insight into this mystery.

This story also illustrates why Skittles should always be referred to as “Skittles bite-sized candies” for improved funniness.

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4 Responses to Twin Tales of Skittles Bite Sized Candies

  1. Anne says:

    Yes, it brings new meaning to the slogan “Taste the Rainbow.” (Shudder.)

  2. Vicky says:

    The wife probably had the creepie little voices from the commercial telling her to kill. It was “Son of Skittle”.

  3. I will no longer remember Skittles as “Skittles”, but as “Crotchittles” from now on. Thanks for the visual, Dave. ;)

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